Piecing myself together

It's the 16th again, and been a while since everything has happened. And i'm still trying to piece my life back together. It's been really tough. And i've been trying hard to stop myself from using the easy way out. It's still there, the stress. And i wonder what difference does it make, being stuck in there or being out of it.

I wish it happened when we were 18. Then i could use the excuse of still being immature, to do whatever i wanted. Whether it is to scream back at her immediately. Or to express my anger to all of them. Or waste another year ignoring them completely. I wish time would go back to that same exact day. I would handle it differently. Maybe try to talk some logic with her and try to understand what i did that really made her so upset about me. Or maybe just leave immediately after it happens, to show him how upset i was, maybe he would have used a different approach to hold me back, to give me an answer that would be more satisfactory. Or maybe i could have just left the house and look for them, and express my grievance so that they can really understand my perspective and how it has affected me. I wish it happened only when we turn 30. Maybe i'd have been through enough in the adult hood, to muster enough courage to just act blur and continue with life. Or have enough maturity to still go through with mannerisms. Or maybe we would have been married at that age, and i'd at least have some courage to show her that everything's done, and she cant get rid of me that easily.

I wish and i wish, but truth is, they have happened. No matter how many times i cry myself to sleep, things stay the same when i wake up the next morning. And i'm still feeling stressed. And still taking pills to help me get to sleep. And everything just keeps going in a cycle. And i just feel like the biggest loser - because i'm really the one who lost it all. Well i did try and see if i could make things better. Maybe be friends again, so that the sadness would lessen, because after all, he really is a friend i wish to keep in my life. I thought we'd have mutual understanding on how each other felt, because we really had no other choices than ending things. But it seems he thinks otherwise? And frankly, i felt hurt. This is all happening because he didn't handle the issue well in the first place.