I haven't blogged openly about anything i'm gonna say.
No reason why i'm blogging this now, not for popularity or show or drama.
I just wanna speak out my thoughts and hopefully make everyone think for a lil while.
If you wanna judge after reading then so be it.
I always thought internship was the worst part of my life.
I remember how i got backstabbed and panicked while sleeping everynight.
I cry when i go to work, i get nervous and get diarrhea every other day.
Each time i see a doctor they only gave muscle relaxant. I thought i was going crazy.
But the month of October 2014 wasn't any where different from it.
Ever since i cam back from the Australia trip, i haven't been really happy.
And from last saturday, everything boomed. I broke down and got into depression mode.
People close to me would know that i always treat people the way i want to be treated.
That is somehow the motto of my life.
To always remind myself that karma will come back to bite you somehow.
Even when my buddy likes to call others fat, i'd also stop him from doing so.
But when i knew that in fact no one actually knows about anything i've done,
And in turn still think that all the fault is on me, that is when i went crazy.
I just realised i wasted 20 years of my life sacrificing for ppl, and some don't even appreciate.
I locked myself in the room, i scratched my face, pulled my hair, slapped, bit, and cut myself.
Then for that entire week everytime i stare into space, i just ask myself:
"Why did my life become this way when i put in so much effort to make others happy?"
I couldn't stop crying at all, and i wake up almost every hour, sometimes crying too.
//
I'm not typing this to blame anyone.
I still think that we should treat people the way we want to be treated.
But just to people that we know will appreciate it and only when we feel comfortable.
And i also know that people tend to only remember the bad things others do.
But if you have done something you feel worthy of for this person and they don't appreciate,
Just mention it?
At least make them feel bad, they ought to know that the world doesn't revolve around them.
If they still remain the same way, then don't sacrifice yourself for them anymore.
They just don't deserve it.
And if you know that someone has done something for you specially,
Why not just say a simple thank you and let them know you appreciate?
Wouldn't it just make the world a better place?
Don't think that everyone can be bullied.
You are not the king of the world, no one needs to be your slave.
If you do not want people to bully you, then don't do it to others.
You won't ever know what this person has gone through,
And you might just be the very last person to make him or her go bersek.
//
After this one week, i'm glad i became sane again.
I now know who i should put in effort for, who i shouldn't do so.
And i am thankful i only wasted 2 decades of my life being a criminal to others.
From now onwards, i will live for myself, and do anything as long as i want, to make myself happy.
My happiness is my priority.
If you're that bunch of ppl that i want to see you happy for myself to be happy, then you're lucky.
//
Just a bunch of special ppl that i want to dedicate to:
-Buddy: I'm sorry you never knew about anything of this, even when you asked, i didn't say anything at all. I know i once promised you that never in my life will i cut myself again, and i guess you'll prolly be very angry after knowing i did. But i hid everything because i didn't want you to worry too, esp take up your time when you can spend them happily with W instead of being sad for me. (yea i know it wouldn't make you any less angry).
-Kiampa: I'm sorry i suddenly just threw a whole bunch of words at you, made you worry and decided to disappear. I'm done chilling, and i'm feeling better already. Thank you for constantly thinking of me and popping random texts each day. I know you care.
-Ting: Thank you for coming all the way down to comfort me and taking care of me even when you weren't in a happy state either.
-Bao: Love-hate relationship with you.. At the start of the week, in my heart i really blamed you for everything. Because if from the start you handled the issue in Aus well, things prolly wouldn't be this way now. I wanted to push you away too, but you are still the one i feel the most comfortable with. And you stayed almost 24 hours with me, rushing here and there just to accompany me. From patting me to sleep then you left, and then reaching here right before i wake up again. For constantly 2 days. And coming over to accompany me for lunch at work too. I know your heart broke when you saw me crying and crying non-stop suddenly, staring into space, panicking, talking to myself, self-destruction, but to think back, i feel that they are all worth while now because i now know how much you would do for me, and you have also told me that you will protect me even more from now on, isn't it? Even though i still doubt if there will only be words and no actions, but i'll choose to trust you, because at least this time, your actions deserve my trust. Thank you.
//
I won't say i've recovered completely, I still cry when i recall everything.
But i feel better now, because i can fuck care about the ppl i know are not worth it.
I won't even hate them anymore, because i won't waste my energy to do so.
So anyone who's read this post, i'd hope you give me a hug to make me stronger.
And with this strength, i aim to face my hatred (now ex) in 2015.
I'm not sure how it'll go, but i hope with this mindset i have now, i'll stay happy.
People close to me would know that i always treat people the way i want to be treated.
That is somehow the motto of my life.
To always remind myself that karma will come back to bite you somehow.
Even when my buddy likes to call others fat, i'd also stop him from doing so.
But when i knew that in fact no one actually knows about anything i've done,
And in turn still think that all the fault is on me, that is when i went crazy.
I just realised i wasted 20 years of my life sacrificing for ppl, and some don't even appreciate.
I locked myself in the room, i scratched my face, pulled my hair, slapped, bit, and cut myself.
Then for that entire week everytime i stare into space, i just ask myself:
"Why did my life become this way when i put in so much effort to make others happy?"
I couldn't stop crying at all, and i wake up almost every hour, sometimes crying too.
//
I'm not typing this to blame anyone.
I still think that we should treat people the way we want to be treated.
But just to people that we know will appreciate it and only when we feel comfortable.
And i also know that people tend to only remember the bad things others do.
But if you have done something you feel worthy of for this person and they don't appreciate,
Just mention it?
At least make them feel bad, they ought to know that the world doesn't revolve around them.
If they still remain the same way, then don't sacrifice yourself for them anymore.
They just don't deserve it.
And if you know that someone has done something for you specially,
Why not just say a simple thank you and let them know you appreciate?
Wouldn't it just make the world a better place?
Don't think that everyone can be bullied.
You are not the king of the world, no one needs to be your slave.
If you do not want people to bully you, then don't do it to others.
You won't ever know what this person has gone through,
And you might just be the very last person to make him or her go bersek.
//
After this one week, i'm glad i became sane again.
I now know who i should put in effort for, who i shouldn't do so.
And i am thankful i only wasted 2 decades of my life being a criminal to others.
From now onwards, i will live for myself, and do anything as long as i want, to make myself happy.
My happiness is my priority.
If you're that bunch of ppl that i want to see you happy for myself to be happy, then you're lucky.
//
Just a bunch of special ppl that i want to dedicate to:
-Buddy: I'm sorry you never knew about anything of this, even when you asked, i didn't say anything at all. I know i once promised you that never in my life will i cut myself again, and i guess you'll prolly be very angry after knowing i did. But i hid everything because i didn't want you to worry too, esp take up your time when you can spend them happily with W instead of being sad for me. (yea i know it wouldn't make you any less angry).
-Kiampa: I'm sorry i suddenly just threw a whole bunch of words at you, made you worry and decided to disappear. I'm done chilling, and i'm feeling better already. Thank you for constantly thinking of me and popping random texts each day. I know you care.
-Ting: Thank you for coming all the way down to comfort me and taking care of me even when you weren't in a happy state either.
-Bao: Love-hate relationship with you.. At the start of the week, in my heart i really blamed you for everything. Because if from the start you handled the issue in Aus well, things prolly wouldn't be this way now. I wanted to push you away too, but you are still the one i feel the most comfortable with. And you stayed almost 24 hours with me, rushing here and there just to accompany me. From patting me to sleep then you left, and then reaching here right before i wake up again. For constantly 2 days. And coming over to accompany me for lunch at work too. I know your heart broke when you saw me crying and crying non-stop suddenly, staring into space, panicking, talking to myself, self-destruction, but to think back, i feel that they are all worth while now because i now know how much you would do for me, and you have also told me that you will protect me even more from now on, isn't it? Even though i still doubt if there will only be words and no actions, but i'll choose to trust you, because at least this time, your actions deserve my trust. Thank you.
//
I won't say i've recovered completely, I still cry when i recall everything.
But i feel better now, because i can fuck care about the ppl i know are not worth it.
I won't even hate them anymore, because i won't waste my energy to do so.
So anyone who's read this post, i'd hope you give me a hug to make me stronger.
And with this strength, i aim to face my hatred (now ex) in 2015.
I'm not sure how it'll go, but i hope with this mindset i have now, i'll stay happy.
1 comment:
came across your blog and admire the truthfulness being open n yourself in this blog. I'm sure you will come out of the depression stronger! All the best! Hugssss
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