hi. moody now, or rather these few days,
not others' fault, they make sense, i understand, they care, i know.
but sometimes things just aint that easy esp when people have no idea about stuffs.
i know there's people way much pathetic than me,
sometime i feel so idiotic cos i feel like i'm making a big scene,
as though my life is ending, when people who are much worse than me fighting so hard for life.
sucks so bad when you find yourself so damn disgusting,
when you look into the mirror, when you lie on the bed trying to sleep.
sucks so bad when you want to look for new friends and get closer,
when you're so damn sensitive, when you think you ain't good enough for them,
when you worry about them leaving you all alone all over again,
when you're afraid of being too reliant or over-possessive, you want them all to yourself.
when you take it for granted that they give in to you, and soon you start throwing tantrums.
sucks so bad you wanna take a break at home,
when everything at home freaks you out,
sucks so bad when you had to be alone when your family is busy,
when you are with your friends and your family is all free at home for you.
sucks when you wish your family were at home to accompany you,
when they request for you to go out to work to get more income.
i have no idea where this list of words is gonna head to, i need to stop.
i'm just so vexed now, crying and breathing so hard, grinding my teeth together,
want to vent, but i have to control, one more tiny thing and i swear i'm gonna explode.
idk what i can do to make myself feel better,
i used to go running, but dad doesn't allow it since its late at night,
i used to spam ice cream, but my tummy is too weak now,
i used to watch videos, but i don't even laugh at them anymore,
i used to drink and sleep, but i can't even fall asleep anymore,
i used to cut, but i know i have to stop.
and because i don't know what to do, everyone's trying to help me.
but i don't wanna become a burden especially when i don't know how to explain things,
or i don't wanna keep repeating the same things and end up irritating people.
i don't know, i don't know what i really want.
i d o n t k n o w w h a t i s g o i n g o n w i t h m e .
F U C K M Y L I F E .
i know i've not posted my feelings on this blog before, while i know no one comes to my blog too.
gonna remove this when i feel better, i hope.
i'm tired so i'm gonna put the past week into bullet points.
- SCO finale rehearsal on thursday night.
- malaysia for dinner with Joo and family on friday night.
- had so much fun chatting with Joo, as usual.
- finally tasted lala and stingray for the first time, as well as lok lok and sweet taupok.
- swear i miss all the food i had over there, all of the above plus chicken wings.
- SCO finale performance on saturday night, supper with NPCO.
- screwed up performance, fingers tangled up, shivered and instrument shake-d tsk.
- received a pooh bear, gonna repeat this idk why people like giving me pooh bears,
- perhaps its because of my name, but honestly i no interested in pooh bears.
- but i'm still thankful for the pooh bear.
- rot at home on sunday.
- NPCO chalet from monday to wednesday.
- mood screwed for the chalet, regret alot i swear.
- tried so hard to cheer myself up but i failed.
- farewell BBQ on monday night, had H.
- back to school for sectional practice on tuesday night,
- played pool after chalet on wednesday.
- combined practice and supper with NPCO today.
i need people, but i don't wanna drag their mood down with me.
i need to vent, i feel like everything is so squashed up inside me,
i want to push everything out, i want to whack myself, bang my head on the wall,
i want to scream, i want to tear something apart, my head hurts like hell.
i'm sorry if i break my promise tonight. i don't expect you all to forgive me.
i just need to punish myself and make myself less guilty,
i just need to cry at something less retarded and more reasonable, feel tired and sleep easier,
i just need something to remind myself.
`wanniieee[:
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